friendship break-ups hit harder than any romantic split.
like a bad divorce, but less paperwork
They don’t write songs about friendship breakups, and if they do, I haven’t heard them (have you?). We brace ourselves for the pain of romantic endings by creating breakup playlists, the clichés saying about “plenty of fish,” and ice cream and junk food binges. But when a friendship ends? No roadmap. No rituals. Just a hollow, quiet ache where your bestie, your ride-or-die used to be.
When a relationship with a romantic partner ends, your girlfriends and others rally. “He didn’t deserve you!!” “You’ll find someone better! “Let’s get drunk and create a new Hinge profile!” But when a best friend fades out or breaks away, the response is typically, “aww, that sucks.” You're expected to move on easily because it was “just another chapter in your life that’s now closed.” Omg, how cliché and dismissive.
No one tells you how to mourn the person who knew your family drama, your irrational fears, your worst decisions, and so much more. They were your emergency contact. Your therapist with memes and shared TikToks. Your human diary. Your literal other half.
Friendship breakups hit differently because they can blindside us. They're [sometimes] not expected, not glamorized, and rarely given space to grieve. They’re the ones that literally fuck with your brain and make you think, “what was wrong with me?” or “why am I unlovable?” A friendship breakup is a very different kind of heartbreak. There’s no guide for losing the person who knew all your ugly parts but still showed up…until they decided to stop showing up.
Since I read so much romance, a way to describe a friendship would be like how they are in romance books. Friendship breakups don’t have a clean villain arc. In romantic splits, it’s easier to pinpoint blame — infidelity, incompatibility, or just one of you turning into a door mat. With friends, the reasons are often murkier. Maybe one of you grew. Maybe one of you didn’t. Maybe the dynamic became lopsided. Maybe something toxic crept in. Maybe you couldn’t say what you really wanted to say and make a clean break.
I remember one friendship ending with a group text that never got a reply. No big fight, no betrayal. Simply just a noticeable shift in values and perspectives, and that rift got bigger and bigger each day the more you talked to them. It was glaringly obvious we were not on the same page with values anymore. Every conversation also would sour your mood and what once was a great day turned out to be full of frustration.
On the other hand, I remember breaking up with friends because they were toxic AF and couldn’t celebrate your successes because it made them feel less. So, note to self: friends that can’t cheer you on and support you and are instead jealous of you are not for you.
Finally, I had one friendship break-up that absolutely wrecked me. Do you know what it feels like for your best friend to tell you, crying and screaming, “I can’t be friends with you anymore"? Utterly heartbreaking and devastating. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. And then came the days after where this one person you talked to every single day just suddenly became a stranger. The habit to pick up your phone and text them about something that happened was often times a rude reminder that you couldn’t. Or if you saw something that reminded you of them and you couldn’t even reach out. Seeing their Instagram stories of them living life without you is so harsh. “That should be with me” often times went through my head and the feeling of loneliness was overwhelming. It never faded. The longing to reconcile was always there.
I went through nearly all the stages of grief. At first I was in denial, like no way this is happening. Then I got angry. Like, “how could they leave me? If they were really my best friend, they’d be there with me through thick and thin.” I didn’t really bargain because I don’t know what I could’ve bargained. I just wanted the things back to the way they were. Finally came acceptance and I remember so clearly one evening crying my eyes out to my partner on the couch. It was one of the hardest moments I’ve cried and hyperventilated. I remember screaming at them, “YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I HAVE NO ONE. THEY WERE EVERYTHING TO ME.” Dramatic, yes. Full of grief, also yes. Valid reaction? 100%. It was the moment I accepted that we may never reconcile and it was my final cry out, in a sense.
We were a part for one year. No contact, nothing. I sometimes think it’s something we needed to further grow; a life lesson of sorts. We had the opportunity to provide each other the privacy and space to separately process and gain clarity of the situation, and to weigh whether or not we could see a future together. I’m grateful this is one of those friendships that became stronger and had a reconciled, happy ending. There were a lot of hard lessons learned, a lot of individual growth on both of our ends, and honestly, the resilience of our friendship is stronger than it ever was before.
Final thoughts.
Just like romantic relationships, not all friendships are created equal, and not all friendships can be saved. Those that are, are worth fighting for and worth investing in. Though friendship breakups can be tough and full of various emotions, they can be a moment of huge self-reflection. Additionally, reconciliation may not be on the table. Sometimes that’s just that. You gotta know when to stop giving yourself false hope and learn to move on. Closure doesn’t always come in a form of a conversation. Closure can come in various other ways, and sometimes it starts with you.
Have you ever experienced a friendship break-up? What was it like for you? Did things get resolved or did you both move on? I would love to hear from you!
xx
-Julie